my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How external is "for external use only"?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
