So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
