Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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