we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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