I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
