I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
