I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
