Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
