Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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