I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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