they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
