I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
