What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
