I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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