im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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