I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
