I can text with my tongue
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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