I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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