There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
