Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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