You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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