I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
