did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
