You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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