My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Boobs are out for the taking
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
