So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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