Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
