I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
this just has baby written all over it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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