I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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