If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
