We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
