My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
