omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
