it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
