I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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