I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
