Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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