He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This house was built for laser tag.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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