why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
