the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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