omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
