I think I won the penis lottery.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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