dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
