I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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