hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just pee around me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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