Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
