Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
