When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
