You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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