M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
