guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I DEMAND FORESKIN
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
