She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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