my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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