Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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