he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm like, not good at living.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
