Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
