Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
