If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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